MarySueItis
by Redhead Turk
Summary: All the pretty boys of FFVII has collapsed from a myserious disease. Mayhem ensues in the Hospital Wing. General randomness and some Character OOCness. Rated for language. Implied Runo and RufusxTseng. Oneshot.


Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Final Fantasy VII. If I did, I would demand that Sephiroth live in the game and the movie. But obviously he gets defeated twice by Cloud's stupid Omnislash, so I don't own it.

* * *

MarySueItis

Reno had just killed a puppy. He had killed a puppy because it carried vital information. The puppy carried vital information because Tseng had just given it to the puppy. Why Tseng gave it to the puppy is anybody's guess.

The puppy looked up at the Turk with cute, sad, puppy eyes, then it lowered its head and died.

"Nooooo! Oh Lord, I have sinned!" Reno cried, and made the sign of the cross. Why he did that, he had no idea.

* * *

The comatose bodies lay on the beds. The doctor pushed the glasses up against the bridge of his nose. This disease made no sense.

On the farthest left was General Sephiroth, who thrashed about wildly. "No! Aeris! I loved you! I loved you forever!" The General cried, tears running down his sleeping face. "Oh god, what have I done…"

The next was Cloud Strife. Why he was here, no one knew. "I love you, Tifa, but I have to go," he said in a low voice. "I'm sorry." He listened. "I have to. I don't want to leave you." He hugged the air.

The next was Reno. He was yelping about how killing the puppy was a sin.

This disease made no sense.

"What's going on?" Rufus asked, accompanied by Tseng. The doctor sweated profusely.

"I don't know, sir," he answered, shaking. "They all show different symptoms."

"Well, cure it!" Rufus snapped menacingly. "And you better find out why this happened before you find yourself in Hojo's cage."

The only similarity they had was that they worked for Shinra, but then why didn't Hojo or the President become sick as well? Doctor Fana was puzzled.

Any other possibilities? No, except that they all had fan clubs around for some reason.

It dawned on him. He hurried to Rufus' office to report his discovery.

* * *

The doctor never had to go up to Rufus' office, which was on the top floor. He had met Rufus coming down the elevator, but Rufus was comatose.

"Reno, come here," Rufus ordered to the air. The attendants looked around, confused. As far as they knew, Reno was nowhere to be seen. He was supposed to be downstairs in the hospital wing, currently battling a hedgehog over the reason of the dead puppy. God only knew what went through that Turk's head. Some maintained that Reno was normal and he was just sleeping, claiming that they noticed no difference whatsoever. Others declared that it was just a bad case of mako poisoning. Others thought about their dinner, and even more others just did not give a damn.

"Kneel," Rufus commanded, still in comatose. Now the attendants were really confused. Some kneeled just out of sheer obedience.

He suddenly keeled over but he couldn't, because he was being carried in a stretcher. "How dare you!" Rufus cried. "Don't ever kiss me again! Get out of my sight!"

Fana blinked. Did he just hear that?

Damn. He should have brought a tape recorder.

* * *

Tseng accompanied the comatose vice president to the hospital wing when he suddenly felt his body weak. Elena was beside him, and god, was she beautiful. She was a goddess. His vision blurred. He was going to die, because suddenly he felt dizzy. What a wuss.

"Elena… I loved you…" Tseng whispered, falling to the floor.

"Oh my gosh! Boss! Are you alright?" Elena kneeled next to him, but secretly she was thinking, "my moment has come! HA HA!"

"I loved you… always…" he breathed hard. "Kiss me… before I go…"

"…" Rude said.

Elena happily obliged. She was finally in heaven.

* * *

"This is severe," Dr. Fana explained to the three most disagreeable, ugly men in the whole wide world and some, namely Palmer, Heidegger, and President Shinra.

"What is happening to my son? He'd better get up, I'm not going to the meeting," the president said menacingly.

"We're trying to analyze some similiarities of the disease, president. This may take a while."

"Thank god we're fat! Gya ha haah!" Heidegger laughed hideously. Fana cringed.

This was not a good day.

Fana was even more dismayed when he saw a snake being carried into the hospital wing. "What's that?" He asked, pointing at the green long thing thrashing about. He was scared of snakes.

"The one and the only Midgar Zolom."

"Why the hell is the Zolom dreaming! He's supposed to chase around random trespassers and bite their heads off!"

"Beats me." The assistant waltzed away.

"Errr."

"…you better heal the Zolom, Fana…" Hojo glided out of nowhere, his creepy appearance creeping people out for obvious reasons.

"Arrrgh!" Fana backed and crashed into a cabinet above Reno's head. Bottles fell onto the redhead's head with thundering _plunk_'s, Reno groaned, and continued to dream about the puppy.

Zolom's tail swished and accidentally hit Hojo, sending him flying to the back of the room.

* * *

"Alright," Fana said at the entourage of the assistants. "We've figured this out. This disease shall be henceforth called…"

The assistants were talking away about their own problems.

"Marysueitis."

"Why don't we just kill the authoresses on One of the more attentive assistants asked. "Or kill the Mary-Sues?"

"That wouldn't work, because currently Rufus is engaging in gay sex with Reno in his dream. And apparently…" he looked at the monitor. "He's having time of his life."

"Well, let's kill Reno then!" Elena who happened to be there cried happily.

"Then Rufus will throw a temper tantrum and we know how that goes."

"Then kill the authoresses."

"That wouldn't work either, because they spawn too fast for us to exterminate."

"Grrrrrr!" One of the assistants growled suddenly.

"Yes, Dorian?"

"Grrrr!"

"Ok. Anyways…" Fana returned to the main topic.

"Sir, why can't we just toss them into the ocean and hope the sharks will bite their heads off?"

"Sir, my coffee spilled in my lap!"

"Sir, blah!"

"Sir!"

"ENOUGH!" Fana shouted, finally breaking. "We're going to leave them alone!"

"Wh… what!" Elena cried in dismay, not because this caused her any problem but because currently Tseng was dreaming about a hot make-out session with Rufus. Eww.

"They can have as much sex as they want! I'm leaving!" Fana cried, distressed.

"Sir, what about Zolom?"

"Chop him up and fry him into a steak and serve the executives for dinner! I don't care!" With a huff, he left.

* * *

Reno woke up, wondering why he was dreaming about making out with a puppy. He rubbed his eyes; it was a good nap. He hopped off the bed and walked away grinning, rubbing his head slightly. He felt slightly bruised.

He was also happy to know that all the other hotties of Final Fantasy VII were incapacitated and will not be messing with his plan of female domination.

What he did forget about was Vincent Valentine, who happened to be sleeping in Nibelheim that very moment, dreaming about a delicious plate of taco salad.


End file.
